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Post by Finn Quill on Dec 9, 2015 11:34:48 GMT -5
I appreciate that sentiment believe&become, it's just a really messed up situation, and I... I dunno... I hope it'll get better, but I just don't have a lot of hope for the world right now... |
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Post by believe&become on Dec 9, 2015 12:39:32 GMT -5
Like in traffic, in the game of Life, if everything is going your way, you are most likely going in the wrong direction - lol, and they say we shouldn't take things too seriously, none of us are going to get out of here alive. However, the 3 things we got to make it through: Hope, Faith and Love. It'll get better. Finn Quill I have Faith that you will see a better day. See if you can focus on loving someone peaceful- anyone, not necessarily a partner; a parent, a sibling, a friend, a pet, Nature, someone who isn't here physically. When you're busy actively loving, it's less likely to brain-crash into a pity party. And feel free to elaborate - or not. Not scared of messy over here - nothing beautiful was ever tidy in my world. |
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Post by Finn Quill on Dec 9, 2015 15:01:47 GMT -5
I'm trying to get away from all the bullshit, it's difficult because a part of me won't let it go and it's scary strong... It'd burn my life to the ground to protect something I don't even know is worth protecting anymore... I keep trying to push past it, but it's so much more complicated than that.
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Post by believe&become on Dec 9, 2015 18:40:41 GMT -5
Let me guess. A toxic, addictive relationship. That's hard to break, and quite easy to prefer the autodestruct button. That's a psychic hold someone got on you. How do you feel about (white) magic?
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Post by Finn Quill on Dec 9, 2015 21:55:49 GMT -5
It's... complicated. The relationship is truly not usually toxic, and yet somehow it keeps ending up that way...
Right now, where I fall is that I know if she reappears, I'll forgive her, but I don't know if she will. A big problem is she vanished and there's no closure (it's seriously complicated, she vanished for good reason), and... I can't look at our relationship and see something bad, because it was mostly wonderful...
However, I can't handle this emptiness and I just want to move on, and I'm a little terrified I will and she'll pop back up and shake my whole firetrucking identity loose (because right now who I was is just inextricably tied to her, and I need to be someone new to start over...) I'm already messed up and unstable, and she makes it about a hundred times worse in all the best (and some of the worst) ways...
For now, I just want to try to find something else to motivate me, and it's hard... My life, my relationships, my identity, they're all a mess, and I just... I gave up months ago, and the only reason I kept going was in the hopes that something would give me motivation again... I can't be motivated for myself anymore, I don't have it in me, I don't want to try... I don't really much care about how 'healthy' that is, I just want to find something beautiful and amazing and scary and exciting, because without it, I don't want anything...
Honestly, even then, the only two reasons I'm trying anymore is because I have people in my life that want me around, and because I tried bailing on life and failed.
That's why I'm just frustrated as firetruck, because honestly, I'm not up for life unless there's something to pull me along on an adventure. I don't want to live, I'm resigned to it for now, and I'll try to change that, but I don't actually want to... The world is a shitty place that has a few shining beacons, and right now, I can't see any of them... Everything about me hurts constantly, and all I can do is dull the pain by ignoring the poo around me and losing myself in stuff like this game/community.
I truly appreciate you trying to help, but I am big on psychology, and I know you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. I'm willing to try to find a reason, but I don't want it anymore.
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Post by believe&become on Dec 10, 2015 11:08:23 GMT -5
It's... complicated. The relationship is truly not usually toxic, and yet somehow it keeps ending up that way... Right now, where I fall is that I know if she reappears, I'll forgive her, but I don't know if she will. A big problem is she vanished and there's no closure (it's seriously complicated, she vanished for good reason), and... I can't look at our relationship and see something bad, because it was mostly wonderful... However, I can't handle this emptiness and I just want to move on, and I'm a little terrified I will and she'll pop back up and shake my whole firetrucking identity loose (because right now who I was is just inextricably tied to her, and I need to be someone new to start over...) I'm already messed up and unstable, and she makes it about a hundred times worse in all the best (and some of the worst) ways... For now, I just want to try to find something else to motivate me, and it's hard... My life, my relationships, my identity, they're all a mess, and I just... I gave up months ago, and the only reason I kept going was in the hopes that something would give me motivation again... I can't be motivated for myself anymore, I don't have it in me, I don't want to try... I don't really much care about how 'healthy' that is, I just want to find something beautiful and amazing and scary and exciting, because without it, I don't want anything... Honestly, even then, the only two reasons I'm trying anymore is because I have people in my life that want me around, and because I tried bailing on life and failed. That's why I'm just frustrated as firetruck, because honestly, I'm not up for life unless there's something to pull me along on an adventure. I don't want to live, I'm resigned to it for now, and I'll try to change that, but I don't actually want to... The world is a shitty place that has a few shining beacons, and right now, I can't see any of them... Everything about me hurts constantly, and all I can do is dull the pain by ignoring the poo around me and losing myself in stuff like this game/community. I truly appreciate you trying to help, but I am big on psychology, and I know you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. I'm willing to try to find a reason, but I don't want it anymore. If I understand you right, you want to find Life " outside" yourself (something or someone that stimulates your will to live), and don't want to nurture the Life " inside". It's not possible to heal like that. I'm sorry if that sounds judgmental. I won't say much on that level unless you do change your mind about it and actually want to do the inner work. Since you did mention identity crisis, which I can relate to, from personal and professional experience, please consider the possibility that the small part of you that DOES want to heal, move on, build again, also deserves attention and nurturing and may actually be your "real self" - your own Light that wants to shine. On a more superficial level, I had a similar experience. I fell in love, he disappeared for valid personal reasons, I crashed and didn't want to "get on with things" because I thought it would mean annulling all the wonderful things I was/felt and at the time could not distinguish what I was from what I was when I was with him. After about a year I accepted hopes of getting back were dead and I did move on. (Drum roll) And he came back. I was stronger, more balanced, had "more to give", was less emotionally dependent. A year later, it wasn't working any more but for other reasons, and I have no regrets, I learnt a lot from being with him and being without him, and definitely don't regret healing and rebuilding, nor do I regret trying to make it work. I have no doubt you (the real you) ARE Light, not an empty vessel waiting for "ex or next" or a new life experience or hobby to fill you up. May you find your true self in your own time, and until then, may you find solace in pastimes, good company, and joyful moments. Don't hesitate to seek professional or personal help - you deserve it. You may also PM me if you wish. Happy Simming! |
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